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TIME OUT
It's been around since dunce caps and corners. With a modern twist, Time Out can be a valuable discipline
tool.
As we go about the business of teaching our children proper behavior, there are times when emotions
threaten to get out of control. When this happens, it's wise to separate yourself from your child so that you can both cool
off. Time Out can be used as an effective, positive tool. There are three different ways to use Time Out, each having a different
purpose.
1. To give the child time and space to cool off and calm down.
The key here is in the attitude
of the parent. In advance, let your child know that when her behavior is out of control she'll be asked to go to her room.
Tell her that when she is calm and under control she may join the family. How she chooses to use the time is her business,
as long as it's respectful of people and property. Screaming or pounding the door is not acceptable, reading a book or other
activities is fine. This is a valuable life skill that will prevent your child from "flying off the handle" and saying and
doing things she might regret later.
Never drag a child to his Time Out. This robs you of the upper hand and makes you look foolish. Let
him know in advance that when asked to remove himself he needs to do so immediately. If he does not, he'll be choosing to
give up a privilege (one you have specified in advance), in addition to Time Out.
2. To give the parent time and space to cool off and calm down.
There are times when we get
so angry at our children that we want to scream, hit, or ground them for life! This is the time to use a four-letter-word:
E X I T. Make a brief statement, "I'm so angry, I need a minute to think." Then go to your room or send the child to his room
so that you can calm down and regroup. This will help you get yourself under control, and it provides good modeling for your
children.
3. As a method for stopping a specific misbehavior.
This can be an excellent way to put an
immediate stop to a child's action. It brings a strong message, "This behavior is unacceptable and it will stop now." There
are several keys:
- Be quick. Catch your child in the act. Delayed reactions dilute the effect.
- Use selectively. Use for hitting, talking back, and whining or other specific problems. Don't
over-use.
- Keep calm. Your anger only adds fuel to the fire and changes the focus from the behavior of
the child to your anger. This prevents you from being in control.
- Stick with it. Once you say,"Time Out," don't back down or be talked out of it. If you decide
to use Time Out to control hitting, for example, use it every time your child hits, even if he spends most of the day in Time
Out! Eventually, he'll decide that it's more fun to play without hitting than to sit alone in his room.
Time Out is one more effective discipline tool for parents. When used with other positive parenting
methods it helps you feel good about the job you are doing with your kids.
The Power of Choice
Would you like to get your kids to willingly cooperate? Stop the daily battles?
Teach your kids valuable life skills? If your answer is "Yes! Yes! Yes!" then read on…
There are so many things we must get our children to do and so many things me must stop them from doing!
Get up. Get dressed. Don't dawdle. Do your homework. Eat. It goes on and on. We can get our kids to cooperate and at the same
time allow them to learn self-discipline and develop good decision-making skills. How? By offering choices.
Giving a choice is a very powerful tool that can be used with toddlers through teenagers.
This
is one skill that every parent should have tattooed on the back of his or her hand as a constant reminder. Parents should
use this skill every day, many times a day. Giving children choices is a very effective way to enlist their cooperation because
children love having the privilege of choice. It takes the pressure out of your request and allows a child to feel in control.
This makes a child more willing to comply.
Using choice is an effective way to achieve results, and when you get in the habit of offering choices
you are doing your children a big favor. As children learn to make simple choices—Milk or juice?—they get the
practice required to make bigger choices—Buy two class T-shirts or one sweatshirt?—which gives them the ability
as they grow to make more important decisions—Save or spend? Drink beer or soda? Study or fail? Giving children choices
allows them to learn to listen to their inner voice. It is a valuable skill that they will carry with them to adulthood.
You should offer choices based on your child's age and your intent.
A toddler can handle
two choices, a grade-school child three or four. A teenager can be given general guidelines. Offer choices such that you would
be happy with whatever option your child chooses. Otherwise, you are not being fair. For example, a parent might say, "Either
eat your peas or go to your room," but when the child gets up off his chair, the parent yells, "Sit down and eat your dinner,
young man!" (So that wasn't really a choice, was it?)
Here are some ways in which you can use choice:
- Do you want to wear your Big Bird pajamas or your Mickey Mouse pajamas?
- Do you want to do your homework at the kitchen table or the desk?
- Do you want to wear your coat, carry it, or put on a sweatshirt?
- Would you prefer to let the dog out in the yard or take him for a walk?
- Do you want to run up to bed or hop like a bunny?
- What do you want to do first, take out the trash or dry the dishes?
- Do you want to watch 5 more minutes of TV or 10?
A typical problem with choices is the child who makes up his own choice!
For example, "Taylor,
do you want to put on your pajamas first, or brush your teeth?" To which little Taylor answers, "I want to watch TV." What
to do? Just smile sweetly and say, "That wasn't one of the choices. What do you want to do first, put on your pajamas or brush
your teeth?"
If your child is still reluctant to choose from the options that you offer, then simply ask, "Would
you like to choose or shall I choose for you?" If an appropriate answer is not forthcoming then you can say, "I see that you
want me to choose for you." Then follow through. Make your choice and help your child—by leading or carrying him—so
that he can cooperate.
Excerpted with permission by New Harbinger Publications, Inc. (http://www.newharbinger.com/) from Kid Cooperation, How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading and Get Kids to Cooperate
by Elizabeth Pantley (http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth, copyright 1996).
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WINNING THE CHORE WAR
"How many times do I have to remind you to take out the trash?" Sound familiar? Household jobs
are a part of every family's daily life, yet they tend to create ongoing conflict. Give yourself a pat on the back if you
assign your kids chores. It's an important way kids learn responsibility. Even children as young as two years old can help
out around the house. Here are a few pointers for making the process easier on everybody.
Have a plan. Kids thrive on routine. It's best if they have routine chores that they do at regular
times. For instance, clearing the table is done right after eating. Trash is taken out immediately after the kitchen is cleaned
up. Bed is made right after dressing. The more you develop these routines, the less reminding you will have to do. When you
do have to remind your child it can be a brief statement, such as "Trash Time." With more than one child you can rotate chores,
but keep in mind it will take extra effort to develop new routines. Visual reminders help kids stay on track. A poster, chart,
or job board can help kids stay focused.
Train and encourage. Use a four-step process when introducing a new job. First, you do the job,
narrating as you work, while the child watches. Next, do the job together. Third, the child does the job while you watch,
coach, and encourage. Fourth, the child is ready to go it alone. If you eliminate training then you open the door for battles
since you will both be operating under different expectations.
Follow through. Once you decide on a plan, do your best to stick to it every day. If you allow
excuses and delays then you'll find yourself fighting with your child. If you have a kid who fights the routine, establish
a consequence for failure to complete chores and follow through without anger or threats.
Who does what? Here's a list of ideas to get you thinking about what your kids are capable of
doing. Don't underestimate your children! The same child who runs a complicated computer game can certainly manage the washer
and dryer!
Ages 2-3
Put away toys
Help set table
Ages 4-5
Get the mail
Help with yard work
Feed pets
Ages 6-7
Clear table after meals
Pour own drinks and get snacks
Empty wastebaskets
Ages 8-9
Sweep or mop floor
Load and run dishwasher
Run/take own bath
Ages 10-11
Help prepare dinner
Mow lawn
Clean kitchen
Ages 12-14
Grocery shop (small list)
Prepare a dinner meal
Clean bathrooms
By Elizabeth Pantley, author of Kid Cooperation and Perfect Parenting © 2002.
Elizabeth
Pantley, http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.
Teen Rules and Consequences
Rules and consequences are critical to negotiating your way through the teen years. Both the rules
and the consequences may change as your teen's needs (and desires) develop. It helps to ask yourself some questions about
your rules periodically.
General questions to ask about rules:
- Are they reasonable?
- Have the reasons for the rules been explained thoroughly?
- Are there too many?
- Are they enforceable?
- Has my teen been involved in making any of the rules?
- >Are they consistent with other parents' (those whom you respect) rules?
- Whose needs are the rules designed to meet?
Depending on the answers to these questions and what you've decided is your bottom line, you may be
able to negotiate a relaxation of these rules, as your teen is more able to make mature decisions. Or you may find that the
rules are entirely unenforceable, meaning either that you need to make changes in your life in order to enforce them or you
need to give them up. For example, you may decide that you should arrange your schedule to allow being home more of the time,
or simply that you need to be more aware when you are at home. Remember, no matter how reasonable the rules are, your teen's
job is to challenge them. This means that you need to be prepared to impose consequences.
Consequences need to meet certain conditions in order to be effective. They should:
- Be related to the behavior so they make sense. (Being grounded for every infraction doesn't allow
connection to a specific behavior, but if your teen damages someone else's property, part of the consequence might be to help
pay for the damage.)
- Teach your teen how to express feelings and desires in acceptable ways. (You don't damage other people's
property just because you're angry; anger can be expressed with words.)
- Not be so severe or unenforceable that there is no hope of compliance. (Being grounded for 6 months
will contribute to noncompliance.)
- Be useful in changing behavior. They need to be unpleasant enough that your teen doesn't want to repeat
the consequence. They should not include things that you want your child to learn to enjoy, like going to Grandma's for a
weekend.
- Teach self-control. (Help your teen see the benefits of more freedom, less control, or something tangible
like driving.)
What kinds of consequences might be useful with your teen?
The answer to this varies, depending
on your values and the personality, intensity, and interests of your teen. Sometimes he or she can help you find workable
consequences. However, be careful because children will sometimes be harsher on themselves than you might think necessary.
The goal is to prevent unacceptable behavior and teach your teen to make mature decisions. Think through consequences in advance
and take time to manage your own anger or frustration before talking to your teen.
By Elizabeth Pantley, author of Kid Cooperation and Perfect Parenting © 2002.
Elizabeth
Pantley, http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.
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