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SPOUSAL ABUSE:
"The most difficult experience people cope with next to death, separation, and divorce."
Did You Know...?
*One third of all female murder victims aged 20-24 are killed by an intimate partner.
*Intimate abuse includes violence that occurs in dating and courtship relationships, between married couples, former
spouses, and between gay and lesbian partners.
HOW LONG HAS SPOUSAL ABUSE TAKEN PLACE?
*Throughout history, societal and legal traditions have tolerated and even promoted the physical assault of women by men:
-In ancient Rome, a husband could legally divorce, physically punish, or
even kill his wife for behaviors permitted for men.
-Under medieval English law, a husband could not be prosecuted for
raping his wife, as she legally had to satisfy him sexually whenever he
chose.
-In early colonial days, the husband did have to curb his abuse to
correspond with the "rule of thumb", which stated that he could not
beat her with any instrument larger than the width of his thumb.
-Currently, spousal abuse is a widely recognized, dangerous, and
harmful social problem.
-NOW (the National Organization for Women) works to bring awareness
this issue.
Is it really spousal abuse?
*Some SIGNS to look for...
1.
Is it really spousal abuse?
There are many different types of spousal abuse...
*PHYSICAL abuse:
inculdes beating, hitting, shaking, pushing, choking, burning, biting, kicking, rough handling, confinement, dangerous or
harmful use of force or restraint, and assault with a deadly weapon.
*SEXUAL abuse:
includes sexual assault, sexual harrassment, sexual exploitation, forcing participation in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading
sexual activity, using ridicule to denigrate, or control/limit their sexuality or reproductive choices.
*EMOTIONAL abuse:
includes verbal attacks (yelling, screaming, or name-calling), using criticism, verbal threats, social isolation, intimidation,
or exploitation to dominate another person, criminal harassment or "stalking", threatening a person or their loved ones, damaging
their possessions, or harming their pets. EMOTIONAL abuse is sometimes more damaging than physical.
*ECONOMIC or FINANCIAL abuse:
includes stealing from or defrauding a partner, withholding money necessary to the other person (for food or medical purposes),
manipulating or exploiting a person for financial gain, and preventing them from working.
*SPIRITUAL abuse:
includes using a person's religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate, dominate, or control, preventing someone from engaging
in spiritual or religious practices, or ridiculing their beliefs.
*Although abuse against men does occur, abuse against a women is much more common. And with females generally holding a
lesser social status, not being as economically stable, and getting physically injured more often than male victims of spousal
abuse, we must ask ourselves the question:
WHY DO WOMEN STAY?
*Many lack economic means to leave
*Fall into Donald Dutton's "SOCIAL TRAP", where the abused woman begins with hopeful expectations; violence
begins within the first year, each time followed by his expression of regret. She then develops a commitment to the abuser.
"TRAUMATIC BONDING" then occurs where she is abused intermittently and followed by effusive apologies ("I
love you, I promise to change...and so on")
Ferraro and Johnson conducted a study on 100 battered women who opted to stay in an abusive relationship. The top six
reasons:
1. "Salvation Ethic"- sees husband as sick, and feels he needs her to change.
2. External factors entirely dictate abuse (beyond the control of either the husband or wife).
3. She denies the injury, claiming the beatings are tolerable, even normal.
4. Some women blamed themselves for not being more passive and conciliatory.
5. Saw no other option- too economically/emotionally dependent.
6. Lived by a "higher loyalty". A religious faith, or a commitment to a stable family life, especially
if children are involved.
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SIGNS to look for: PHYSICAL & EMOTIONAL:
*EMOTIONAL ABUSE:
1. If your partner turns around everything you have to say.
- "I'm sorry I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning after work today."
EA: "No, no. You are just no good. You always forget about
everything and I know it's really because you just don't care. You are a terrible wife/mother/girlfriend."
2. If your partner displays him/herself as a willing helper, yet makes you feel as if it is such a huge deal when he
does oblige your request.
- "Sweetie, would you help me take out the trash?"
EA: "Of course, honey." (Big sigh!) ---this makes the request seem unreasonable, and yet the
Emotional Abuser is such a great person for humoring it.
3. Crazymaking! Saying or doing one thing, then later denying and assuring you just the opposite.
Monday: EA: "You suck! You are just no good! Get out of my life!"
Tuesday: "That really hurt my feelings, what you said yesterday. I would like an apology."
EA: "What are you talking about? How could you think i would say that to you? I love you , baby!"
*This approach is extremly dangerous. Also used in physical abuse, the EA literally makes the victim think as if
they are losing their mind, and they then begin to question reality.
4. Using Guilt
*Emotional manipulators are always 'great victims'; they use guilt as a method for extra attention and
control.
5. They do not deal with things directly-Passive Agressive
EA:"Sure, I'll support you going back to school, honey.
When the laundry isn't done, the dishes aren't washed, the kids aren't bathed, and he (or she) has the guys
over for the game, the reply is:
EA: "You can't expect me to give up my life just because you choose to be away at school all day!"
6. 'If you have a headache, an EA will have a brain tumor!'
*Their situation is always worse off than yours, and don't you dare try and level with them!
7. Emotional abusers are in no way accountable
*The world has done everything TO them; they never take responsibility for their own actions.
*PHYSICAL abuse:
WHAT KIND OF MAN WOULD BEAT HIS WIFE?
Some common characteristics:
1. Young (18-24 years old)
2. Unemployed/ employed part time
3. Lower level of education
4. Live at the poverty level
5. Dissatisfaction with life
6. Married fewer than ten years
7. Physically punised as a child
8. Insecure/jealous/frequent conflict with his wife
9. Alcohol/drug abuser
10. Abuses wife verbally as well as physically
*Those guilty of physical spousal abuse usually:
-"View battered women in negative terms, as somehow deserving their plight"
-Feels the man should be the head of the family, however
-Lacks the resources to be dominant
-Assaults his wife to gain control over her
-Likely to believe in traditional male/female roles
*Let's note that not only males are abusers, by far. Women abusers also exist. They are more likely than men, however,
to have been beaten in a previous relationship.
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